In the lead-up to Election 2023 in October, we’re posting a series of blogs written by our members and kaimahi, tied together with threads of hope and optimism for how Aotearoa might change in the near future. We want to highlight what our members are seeing out there in their communities, and also suggest innovative solutions for positive systemic and individual change.
In this blog, Steph Brook (Anglican Diocese of Auckland) explores the idea of creating intergenerational spaces within our communities. She writes about what these spaces look and feel like, outlines ideas which may feel similar but have crucial differences, and illustrates the positive benefits to everyone when these spaces are available.
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As we seek to find better, healthier and more equitable ways of being community together, the option of being intergenerational is becoming increasingly researched. Our communities face a myriad of challenges, including those formed from the consequences of marginalisation, poverty, loneliness, compromised mental health, educational challenges – and all the “isms” (e.g. racism, ageism, colonialism, genderism, etc). Being intergenerational is a possible antidote.
What does “intergenerational” mean?
To be intergenerational is about intentionally building relationship across ages with the intent of inclusion, mutuality and equity. An older person or the very young may not be able to run around or be ‘productive’ all day long, but they offer other skills, wisdom, curiosity and unconditional love that others may not be able to offer. My father is 83 and while his physical strength and stamina may have changed, in recent years he has offered his wisdom and experience through his intellect to two advocacy organisations that are making a difference to structural injustice in our communities. My little grandsons, the eldest of whom is 6, helped us through the illnesses and death of my mother and father-in-law by being themselves. I am a youth pastor who has worked in churches most of my career, and part of my role (a largely unspoken one) is to help the various generations build respectful relationships with each other.
How is this different from what we already have?
One could easily imagine that churches are intergenerational – indeed, we often have many generations gathering at the same building on a regular basis. A closer look would serve to belie that image. In the same way that the rest of community has segregated into ages and stages, so has the church. Should a church have young people aged 5-12, during the service they head off to children’s church/Sunday school/kids ministry of whatever name said church has for education of children. Bigger churches will also have something similar for pre-schoolers and youth. Thus, the variety of ages will only connect for the first and last song and be tolerated over morning tea time. Libraries, public swimming pools, parks, sports and creative outlets all have a similar problem: we are in the same spaces mostly at the same times, but with very little intentional interaction, except sometimes of the fractious kind or the simple imparting of information.
Let’s take a look at the agreed definitions that we are using within the faith communities of various ways of having multiple generations in the same environment.
In the multigenerational dynamic, there is tolerance of the various generations. The interactions are superficial and generally polite. In this environment little is known of each other’s story, ‘othering’ is easy and therefore labels can inform understanding or misunderstanding. Think ‘okay boomer’ or ‘kids these days’.
In the cross-generational environment there is some sharing, listening and learning but those interactions aren’t serving to transform or enrich each other’s lives. There is some benefit, more than the multigenerational environment, but not as beneficial for all as the intergenerational space.
To be intergenerational involves deliberate intention to grow in relationship with all others, from an attitude of mutuality, equality and reciprocity. We allow others to have an impact on us, to be transformed by having people of all ages and stages in our lives and we learn from one another. From the toddler discovering the world for the first time and reminding the 30, 50 and 80 year old of the beauty of the crushed daisy, to the 80 year old reminding the 20 year old there is a lot of life to come and it’s worth getting through this tough patch to discover it, to the 30 year old teaching the 70 year old how to use Zoom and so much more. This level of learning from, and alongside, one another comes through trust, constant exposure and happens where respect and grace are both given and received.
In the intergenerational environment all find belonging and connection, but in order for the intergenerational environment to thrive, it must be intentional and everyone has their part to play. Fostering this environment is something the church is wrestling with. Some churches are going for it and working hard to go down this unsignposted path.
What are the benefits of an intergenerational society?
The benefits are significant for people of all ages and stages. For children and young people, the research tells us that to grow resilience young people need 4-6 unrelated adults in their lives, modelling how to live well, spending time with them and listening to them as they navigate life. The elderly often become quite lonely as their friends pass on and family, if they have them, are busy or live far away. Although they may not have the physicality of their youth, their minds and their memories have much to impart – and they have time to do this. Those in between who are often busy working full time, raising families, caring for elderly parents and everything in between often model for those little eyes watching, what that looks like. Coaches and teachers, youth leaders and creative arts leaders all often impact the young when they go the extra mile.
In an intergenerational community, over time one becomes known. Young people are known for the things they love, not just the subjects they excel in at school. Older people can be reminded of the joy they found in remote controlled boats and find others to pass their joy onto. What someone does becomes secondary to who someone is. It is in that being known, being seen, being heard that healthy society can thrive.
Our counsellors and psychiatrists have been telling us repeatedly of the need for each other, for being patient with each other, of our need for belonging and connection. We know this stuff, we know we need each other. But being intergenerational can be hard work. Being intergenerational requires facilitators to support and encourage people to build relationships, to reach across differences to find familiarity. It takes doing things together intentionally and with purpose.
What might an intergenerational society look like?
I remember as I was leading in a church there was an older couple (some 20 years older than me) who were both only children, like me. In one year both of them lost both of their parents, and the husband got prostate cancer. As a community we supported them through this challenging time for them. I didn’t realise I had been observing them and how they coped until some years later, when my own mother died after a long and difficult illness, only two months after my father-in-law had died. When I was encouraged by a dear older friend of mine that this pain would find its place, I was surprised to find myself answering that I knew that, and I reminded her of that couple’s journey. I had paid special attention because we had something so integral to our identities in common.
Imagine if your awesome local youth council worked with the local council on all council decisions, with equal voice. Young people would not only be learning some parts of council functions, but hearing from and understanding the concerns and needs of a wide part of the community, decision-making processes and building intentional relationships across generations. The same could be said for the adults on the local councils too. They would get to know and see responsible young people who care about their community and the issues facing it – they would hear their hearts.
Think of the young Mum struggling with a small baby or juggling the dynamics of a variety of ages of children. Connecting with other parents slightly further on in their parenting journeys could encourage and support the young Mum practically and though storytelling. The older parents benefit through enjoying the little baby and/or chaos of little ones, that are both fun and tiring for short periods of time. Their experiences and memories have meaning and impact.
One of the obstacles to creating intergenerational spaces is that they cannot be project oriented, because relationships take time and consistency. It would be possible to design long-term projects with facilitators that foster safe and healthy intergenerational relationships which continue beyond the ‘project phase’, but only if it was long enough to enable being intentionally intergenerational to become second nature. While intentional intergenerational spaces benefit everyone, children especially benefit through the wider community of care around them, the many voices and experiences they hear, and the sense of the bigger picture. This can be seen as being similar to a temporary one-on-one mentoring arrangement – except it’s a permanent community for all. And it is within our reach.